There are things that need to be said. They are, to my recollection, the following:
1) Human Trafficking. This is when you are waiting under the Dan Ryan Expressway in a car outside a restaurant predominately occupied by police. You are in the Southside of Chicago. You are waiting to make a drop-off... a human drop-off. You wait inside your car for the other party to arrive. When their car arrives, you grab one of your companions and gag them and forcibly shove them into the next car. It is helpful if they kick and scream all the while. You might shout at them loudly and cuss a little bit for effect. The police will then come over and ask what the situation is. The scene will go as follows:
COP: Say here! What's going on over here?
YOU: Nothing, Officer. We're just dropping our friend off. Her friend is picking her up so she can get her laundry.
COP: She was kicking and screaming!
YOU: Oh... that's just what we always do. You've never heard of a Chinese Fire Drill?
COP: What! Now, listen here. That's not a Chinese Fire Drill!
YOU: It's not?!
COP: Well, no! That's when you... well, you pull up to a... to a red light or something and you... you get out of the car and everyone trades places. But you're in the same car! That's the key here! It's the same car!
YOU: Well gosh.... if that's a Chinese Fire Drill, then what are we going to call this thing that we're doing?!
COP: That's called Human Trafficking, you dumbasses!
YOU: Human Trafficking! Perfect! Thank you, Officer!
And that's how the cookie crumbles.
We also ate slabs of beef tonight. Literal slabs. They were covered in marinara... not marijuana. We did not go to St. Louis.
Also, if you receive a number from Michigan that you don't recognize and they keep calling back... even though it's sketchy, you should probably answer it because you could come home to later find out that it's your roommate who you locked out when you took off for the South Side because she was doing her laundry. As if she wasn't already angry about the dishes.... Anyway, it all comes full circle. All of it. And when it dongs on you, it dongs hard.
The end.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Circus/New Slang/Creator
Okay so this is what I wanted to say before when I couldn't figure out how to get back into this bathroom blog. So okay. Rollergirl is dead. And there is now a new member of the family and all must meet immediately.
Let's all talk details.
Moving on.
I love THIS mission statement, said Svedka. So we decided that WE need a mission statement. WE, the bathroom blog of your future. So.
The Bathroom Blog of Your Future, hereafter known as the BBloG, aims to enlighten (slash enDlightened) and entertain the troubled and exhausted souls of our black-lunged bretheren, as well as embrace a culture and lifestyle based on choice, the choice to have an abortion, mainly. Or to not. Whatever YOU wanna do. Futhermore, the BBloG hopes to send you into your years forward with a smile, a song and a warm feeling in your throat.
So now we have a mission statement. And that's that, bitches. BITCHES...
This was brought to you by Victoria, Svedka, Madison Wisconsin and Bianca... well, Bianca was here anyway.
Let's all talk details.
Moving on.
I love THIS mission statement, said Svedka. So we decided that WE need a mission statement. WE, the bathroom blog of your future. So.
The Bathroom Blog of Your Future, hereafter known as the BBloG, aims to enlighten (slash enDlightened) and entertain the troubled and exhausted souls of our black-lunged bretheren, as well as embrace a culture and lifestyle based on choice, the choice to have an abortion, mainly. Or to not. Whatever YOU wanna do. Futhermore, the BBloG hopes to send you into your years forward with a smile, a song and a warm feeling in your throat.
So now we have a mission statement. And that's that, bitches. BITCHES...
This was brought to you by Victoria, Svedka, Madison Wisconsin and Bianca... well, Bianca was here anyway.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Piazza, New York Catcher
I discovered the time-space relation during Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and it is so good. It's a big loop man. A big loop. But where did it start and where will it end? Time is infinite. It happens once through and is repeated forever and forever. Each second is it's own forever across a million universes but its all chosen and we can't change anything, or else it wouldn't work out.
How do Bill and Ted come back to meet each other? How did they get their friends to escape jail? It had to go bad once, but their ability to time travel made them fix it, so it must have always happened that way. WHERE DID IT START? What is time, man?
How do Bill and Ted come back to meet each other? How did they get their friends to escape jail? It had to go bad once, but their ability to time travel made them fix it, so it must have always happened that way. WHERE DID IT START? What is time, man?
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Love & Communication
This is the best holiday.
5pm: Madison Wisconsin and Bianca decide to round off 2008 by eating at the bar below Bianca's apartment for the first time. Buffalo wings are ordered. This is not the last time they will be seen tonight.
9pm: The two depart to Target to use giftcard Christmas present from Mom on booze.
9:15pm: Target demands IDs from all persons in party. Booze is denied.
9:30pm: Jewel Osco. Only bottle of Absolut 100 is found. Goldschlager is deemed 'good idea.'
10:40pm: Madison forgets that the purchased Absolut is 100 proof and decides to do three shots. Goldschlager's ability to cut holes in throats is enjoyed.
10:50pm: Leave apartment. See that 32 year old neighbor's lights are on. Bang on door. Demand entrance. Enter. All parties are wasted. Run away.
11:20pm: Arrive at Warehouse. Impress everyone with Goldschlager and make them do shots.
11:56pm: "I really can't do another one seriously I'll die I can't!!" "COME ON, one more before midnight!!"
11:57pm: Madison pukes into convienently found cup as Bianca watches shamefully.
11:58pm: Bianca takes Madison to the bathroom. The buffalo wings make a second appearance.
11:59pm: Madison declares that she feels better and can now drink more.
12am: Midnight. Loudspeaker. There is jumping and dancing. Madison gets off on kissing unsuspecting people who are unaware that she has just vomited. Heh heh heh.
12:10am: Drunk girl confettis the dance crowd. Though in this context, 'confettis' really means 'drunkenly throws shards of golden foil into people's faces.
12:12: Madison and Bianca immediately leave for some reason.
12:30am: The two arrive at the next location. They see that Token Slut has brought with her 10 army boys from the burbs
12:30-2am: ??? Pineapple shots, more Goldschlager, a girl with aqua eyeliner talks about feminism. Peacebone by Animal Collective, LOVE that song. Was there grinding?
2:10am: Must go to Riley's party. This could be good or bad.
2:20am: Get there. Door is locked. Damnhellfuck. Get out phone to call inside parties when random Blonde girl with Edgy haircut opens the door and says, "Why are you so angry?" LISTEN, bitch. I'm not angry. Go inside.
2:22am: Find Riley with girl who thinks she got roofied. Riley is floored, Roofie girl is abandoned.
The next two hours are incredible.
>Redbull. Jim Beam.
>Dance floor. It starts out innocently, then that ludacris Ludacris comes on and Ethnic boy ethnically grinds on sacred girl parts.
>Thought $20 bill in bra went missing... find it on kitchen floor an hour later.
>Meet man in Orioles hat, discover fellow Baltimore friend.
>Sit on couch. Converse.
>Baltimore friend decides to provide a neck massage. Baltimore friend is a friend no longer.
>Ethnic boy tells Riley he wants to "fuck her, but be friends first so it's cool." This will not happen.
>All are amazed by my drunken singing and harmony.
>A blunt makes its way around the kitchen. Talents are rewarded.
>Am enlightened by the benefits of a fuck buddy... Still deemed too complicated.
>Meet Mr. Appreciative. So appreciative and so cute. Decide his appreciative ways would make him a good boyfriend.
>Wind up on bathroom floor with Riley. Ethnic boy keeps tryna cop feels. Who decided that drunken massages were sexy?
>Riley demands that Victoria is called. Though the two have not spoken in months, the conversation is good. Victoria is confused and presumably still wasted.
>Need to go. Have to get to the suburbs for wedding.
"I know you don't want to leave, but you have to. That's how I felt when I had to leave you the other night." Hmm.
40 minute ride to the suburbs. It's about 4:30am at this point.
Arrive to Mama Bianca's house shortly after 5. A bowl to calm down. Sleep. Wedding at 2pm. Lovely.
Have been sexdreaming all day. Not about Riley, but about Mr. Appreciative.Want. NEED.
Yes 2009?
5pm: Madison Wisconsin and Bianca decide to round off 2008 by eating at the bar below Bianca's apartment for the first time. Buffalo wings are ordered. This is not the last time they will be seen tonight.
9pm: The two depart to Target to use giftcard Christmas present from Mom on booze.
9:15pm: Target demands IDs from all persons in party. Booze is denied.
9:30pm: Jewel Osco. Only bottle of Absolut 100 is found. Goldschlager is deemed 'good idea.'
10:40pm: Madison forgets that the purchased Absolut is 100 proof and decides to do three shots. Goldschlager's ability to cut holes in throats is enjoyed.
10:50pm: Leave apartment. See that 32 year old neighbor's lights are on. Bang on door. Demand entrance. Enter. All parties are wasted. Run away.
11:20pm: Arrive at Warehouse. Impress everyone with Goldschlager and make them do shots.
11:56pm: "I really can't do another one seriously I'll die I can't!!" "COME ON, one more before midnight!!"
11:57pm: Madison pukes into convienently found cup as Bianca watches shamefully.
11:58pm: Bianca takes Madison to the bathroom. The buffalo wings make a second appearance.
11:59pm: Madison declares that she feels better and can now drink more.
12am: Midnight. Loudspeaker. There is jumping and dancing. Madison gets off on kissing unsuspecting people who are unaware that she has just vomited. Heh heh heh.
12:10am: Drunk girl confettis the dance crowd. Though in this context, 'confettis' really means 'drunkenly throws shards of golden foil into people's faces.
12:12: Madison and Bianca immediately leave for some reason.
12:30am: The two arrive at the next location. They see that Token Slut has brought with her 10 army boys from the burbs
12:30-2am: ??? Pineapple shots, more Goldschlager, a girl with aqua eyeliner talks about feminism. Peacebone by Animal Collective, LOVE that song. Was there grinding?
2:10am: Must go to Riley's party. This could be good or bad.
2:20am: Get there. Door is locked. Damnhellfuck. Get out phone to call inside parties when random Blonde girl with Edgy haircut opens the door and says, "Why are you so angry?" LISTEN, bitch. I'm not angry. Go inside.
2:22am: Find Riley with girl who thinks she got roofied. Riley is floored, Roofie girl is abandoned.
The next two hours are incredible.
>Redbull. Jim Beam.
>Dance floor. It starts out innocently, then that ludacris Ludacris comes on and Ethnic boy ethnically grinds on sacred girl parts.
>Thought $20 bill in bra went missing... find it on kitchen floor an hour later.
>Meet man in Orioles hat, discover fellow Baltimore friend.
>Sit on couch. Converse.
>Baltimore friend decides to provide a neck massage. Baltimore friend is a friend no longer.
>Ethnic boy tells Riley he wants to "fuck her, but be friends first so it's cool." This will not happen.
>All are amazed by my drunken singing and harmony.
>A blunt makes its way around the kitchen. Talents are rewarded.
>Am enlightened by the benefits of a fuck buddy... Still deemed too complicated.
>Meet Mr. Appreciative. So appreciative and so cute. Decide his appreciative ways would make him a good boyfriend.
>Wind up on bathroom floor with Riley. Ethnic boy keeps tryna cop feels. Who decided that drunken massages were sexy?
>Riley demands that Victoria is called. Though the two have not spoken in months, the conversation is good. Victoria is confused and presumably still wasted.
>Need to go. Have to get to the suburbs for wedding.
"I know you don't want to leave, but you have to. That's how I felt when I had to leave you the other night." Hmm.
40 minute ride to the suburbs. It's about 4:30am at this point.
Arrive to Mama Bianca's house shortly after 5. A bowl to calm down. Sleep. Wedding at 2pm. Lovely.
Have been sexdreaming all day. Not about Riley, but about Mr. Appreciative.
Yes 2009?
Oh What A Night
My twist from the South...
7:00 - Stop at the Walmart for food and drink (Coke & Sprite) with Diane.
Note: Keg of beer, Crown Royal, and other acutriments.
7:30- Arrive at Party Central (The Fighthaven).
7:30-8:00- Greet all that have made it to the Fighthaven: Jose, Nat, Crazy Girl, Drunk Boy (who
only was there for 5 minutes.
From this point time goes missing...
- beer is poured, and pong games get underway.
Game 1: Diane vs. Jose - Jose wins by one cup.
Game 2: Svedka vs. Jose - With an amazing game by Svedka (who is not a pro yet), she is beaten by one cup.
- Svedka decides to leave the basement, and go upstairs for some time. (toilet time)
- Svedka gets in conversation with The Vagina and it ends with a bowl being packed.
- Svedka, The Vagina, and Diana proceed to the white box and smoke a highly lethal dose of green goodness. While in the car a conversation erupts, and words are said, and maybe things are patched up between enemies. But not so sure.
- All proceed to go back into house, and Nat takes two Jager bombs.
- Jose, thinking it is a good idea, invites the parentals over.
River Rat calls Diana, but Svedka takes phone and has 45 minutes conversation with lovely boy.
Partental time...
Game 4: Jose - Jose's Dad vs. Diana - Jose's Mom: Victory from Jose and Dad, but a lovely watch from the sidelines.
Partentals leave not after Diana and Jose decide to go have a quicky... which ends up being 3 hours long.
Game 5: Svedka vs. Titties - Svedka again losses by one cup... her weakness.
Svekda decided to call the Norther friends for a little drunk conversations.
Everyone ends up coming upstairs, but then Svekda finds herself alone watching Kathy Griffin.
Everything is great in Svekda's life.
She then falls asleep... and wakes up 2 hours later (2:30) and is joined by Cleveland, and Kevin. The others come back from some bar hopping, who have been locked out of the house except for the basement. They get the smart idea to break down Jose's bedroom door, and through this doors are slammed, and Cleveland comes down from her tower and yells. Crazy Cookville kids leave and talking ensues. Talking continues through the night until 4 in the morning when Diana and Joey decide to leave their sexual escapades. Talk Talk Talk.
All go and fall asleep.
11:00 a.m.: All wake up... WAFFLE HOUSE.
Life is good.
Pong Games: 5
Keg Gone: 1/2
Other Liquors: 10
Yelling: To Much
Laughter: Enough
Pot Smokes: A Right Amount
HAPPY NEW YEAR
2009!!!!
7:00 - Stop at the Walmart for food and drink (Coke & Sprite) with Diane.
Note: Keg of beer, Crown Royal, and other acutriments.
7:30- Arrive at Party Central (The Fighthaven).
7:30-8:00- Greet all that have made it to the Fighthaven: Jose, Nat, Crazy Girl, Drunk Boy (who
only was there for 5 minutes.
From this point time goes missing...
- beer is poured, and pong games get underway.
Game 1: Diane vs. Jose - Jose wins by one cup.
Game 2: Svedka vs. Jose - With an amazing game by Svedka (who is not a pro yet), she is beaten by one cup.
- Svedka decides to leave the basement, and go upstairs for some time. (toilet time)
- Svedka gets in conversation with The Vagina and it ends with a bowl being packed.
- Svedka, The Vagina, and Diana proceed to the white box and smoke a highly lethal dose of green goodness. While in the car a conversation erupts, and words are said, and maybe things are patched up between enemies. But not so sure.
- All proceed to go back into house, and Nat takes two Jager bombs.
- Jose, thinking it is a good idea, invites the parentals over.
River Rat calls Diana, but Svedka takes phone and has 45 minutes conversation with lovely boy.
Partental time...
Game 4: Jose - Jose's Dad vs. Diana - Jose's Mom: Victory from Jose and Dad, but a lovely watch from the sidelines.
Partentals leave not after Diana and Jose decide to go have a quicky... which ends up being 3 hours long.
Game 5: Svedka vs. Titties - Svedka again losses by one cup... her weakness.
Svekda decided to call the Norther friends for a little drunk conversations.
Everyone ends up coming upstairs, but then Svekda finds herself alone watching Kathy Griffin.
Everything is great in Svekda's life.
She then falls asleep... and wakes up 2 hours later (2:30) and is joined by Cleveland, and Kevin. The others come back from some bar hopping, who have been locked out of the house except for the basement. They get the smart idea to break down Jose's bedroom door, and through this doors are slammed, and Cleveland comes down from her tower and yells. Crazy Cookville kids leave and talking ensues. Talking continues through the night until 4 in the morning when Diana and Joey decide to leave their sexual escapades. Talk Talk Talk.
All go and fall asleep.
11:00 a.m.: All wake up... WAFFLE HOUSE.
Life is good.
Pong Games: 5
Keg Gone: 1/2
Other Liquors: 10
Yelling: To Much
Laughter: Enough
Pot Smokes: A Right Amount
HAPPY NEW YEAR
2009!!!!
Soul Kitchen
New Years Eve timetable
10pm: Conor, Angela, Jack, and Louise arrive at Victoria's apartment. They realize that their source of booze fell through so they must all share Victoria's bottle of lime Smirnoff.
10:40pm: The 5 comrades depart for location #1 (coach house). They recieve a phone call from Svedka, their Southern comrade. YAY!
10:50pm: En route to location 1, they recieve communication that location 1 is lame. Change plans and continue north to location 2 (warehouse).
10:55pm: Walk to location 2.
11:15pm: Arrive at location 2. Wait in stairwell for communication on apartment number. Drunk man in the hall allows Angela and Jack to pee in random apartment in the building.
11:30pm: Enter correct apartment. Commence drinking heavily and quickly in anticipation for midnight. It's important to note that this drinking includes Victoria doing shots of Goldschlager with Madison. Angela and Conor smoke a joint.
11:54pm: Try to climb long stairwell to roof.
11:55pm: Plan fails when door to roof is locked/frozen shut.
12am: Ring in 2009 on the dance floor with confetti, drinks, and a lot of strangers.
12:40am: Decide to leave location 2 due to lameness and drunken restlessness. Round up original 5 plus Rupert.
Total from location 2: 7 SHOTS, 12 DRINKS
12:42am: En route to location 1. Conor drinks half and spills the rest of Victoria's drink.
12:43am: Run into Leigh Ann on the street. Excitement all around. Invites comrades to party at her place Friday!
1:00am: Arrive at location 1. Make one round through house, greeting friends. Important to note that coats were kept on in order to go back outside immediately and smoke cigarettes.
1:15am: Still outside. Angela gets in a fight with Navy man - Louise breaks it up, as usual.
1:17am: Back inside the party. Louise, Conor and Angela smoke a bowl, unbeknowst to their comrades, namely Victoria and Jack.
1:18am: Victoria discovers fireplace. She hovers nearby, discussing its wonders with Andy, who built the fire. Angela leaves location 1 and goes home.
1:30am: Louise commandeers a free pineapple shot, courtesy of a kind and intoxicated bartender/party host.
1:46am: Conner spills drink.
1:52am: Conner spills "wine" all over floor, curitian and wall. Party foul number three.
2:00am: Hans flirting with Louise becomes too much for her. She tells him that Victoria has been her girlfriend for the past five years. He is intimidated and backs off - fuck yeahhhhh fucker!
2:15am: Conner spills Louise's drink. Party foul number four....
2:30am: Leave location 2. Walk to public transportation.
Total from location 1: 2 SHOTS, 6 DRINKS, 4 PARTY FOULS BY CONOR.\
2:36am: Conner and Louise pee in well lit alley way.
2:40am: Pass 24-hour diner. Decide hunger wins over need to go home.
3:30am: Leave diner after kickass meal, despite horrendous service.
4:13am: All comrades arrive home safely. A good night was had by all.
*NOTE: drinks and shots are total from all 5 comrades.
*NOTE: happy fuckin new year.
10pm: Conor, Angela, Jack, and Louise arrive at Victoria's apartment. They realize that their source of booze fell through so they must all share Victoria's bottle of lime Smirnoff.
10:40pm: The 5 comrades depart for location #1 (coach house). They recieve a phone call from Svedka, their Southern comrade. YAY!
10:50pm: En route to location 1, they recieve communication that location 1 is lame. Change plans and continue north to location 2 (warehouse).
10:55pm: Walk to location 2.
11:15pm: Arrive at location 2. Wait in stairwell for communication on apartment number. Drunk man in the hall allows Angela and Jack to pee in random apartment in the building.
11:30pm: Enter correct apartment. Commence drinking heavily and quickly in anticipation for midnight. It's important to note that this drinking includes Victoria doing shots of Goldschlager with Madison. Angela and Conor smoke a joint.
11:54pm: Try to climb long stairwell to roof.
11:55pm: Plan fails when door to roof is locked/frozen shut.
12am: Ring in 2009 on the dance floor with confetti, drinks, and a lot of strangers.
12:40am: Decide to leave location 2 due to lameness and drunken restlessness. Round up original 5 plus Rupert.
Total from location 2: 7 SHOTS, 12 DRINKS
12:42am: En route to location 1. Conor drinks half and spills the rest of Victoria's drink.
12:43am: Run into Leigh Ann on the street. Excitement all around. Invites comrades to party at her place Friday!
1:00am: Arrive at location 1. Make one round through house, greeting friends. Important to note that coats were kept on in order to go back outside immediately and smoke cigarettes.
1:15am: Still outside. Angela gets in a fight with Navy man - Louise breaks it up, as usual.
1:17am: Back inside the party. Louise, Conor and Angela smoke a bowl, unbeknowst to their comrades, namely Victoria and Jack.
1:18am: Victoria discovers fireplace. She hovers nearby, discussing its wonders with Andy, who built the fire. Angela leaves location 1 and goes home.
1:30am: Louise commandeers a free pineapple shot, courtesy of a kind and intoxicated bartender/party host.
1:46am: Conner spills drink.
1:52am: Conner spills "wine" all over floor, curitian and wall. Party foul number three.
2:00am: Hans flirting with Louise becomes too much for her. She tells him that Victoria has been her girlfriend for the past five years. He is intimidated and backs off - fuck yeahhhhh fucker!
2:15am: Conner spills Louise's drink. Party foul number four....
2:30am: Leave location 2. Walk to public transportation.
Total from location 1: 2 SHOTS, 6 DRINKS, 4 PARTY FOULS BY CONOR.\
2:36am: Conner and Louise pee in well lit alley way.
2:40am: Pass 24-hour diner. Decide hunger wins over need to go home.
3:30am: Leave diner after kickass meal, despite horrendous service.
4:13am: All comrades arrive home safely. A good night was had by all.
*NOTE: drinks and shots are total from all 5 comrades.
*NOTE: happy fuckin new year.
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