It started with Luise at work sending a text message to Svedka.
We should call some other people. Maybe have a small party at my house? I mean small though...
Svedka goes on texting frenzy for 40 minutes.
Victoria, Madison Wisconsin, and Svedka go to The Stud for some shit food. While there, they dodge questions from Luise's boring, alcoholic, writer roommate, Hemmingway, about the goingsdown of tonight's activitys. No, you may not come over to your own house. Find something else to do.
Meanwhile, Luise is canvasing. As always. It is important to note at this point that earlier in the day, Madison was accosted by a certain environment loving organization while strolling leisurely through a gay area of town. As she claimed to already be a member to avoid the guilt trip such organizations lead, she mentioned their recent firing of our dear Luise after she failed to make her three day quota. Turns out this woman was Luise's former team leader on her first day of work. The world gets smaller, the people get uglier.
After ingesting far too much shit food, Victoria left for work to be swooned by the lovely singing voices of a non-musical conservatory during auditions. Wonderful. Svedka and Madison left for Madison's abode to... do the usual. They then joined forces with Madison's roommate, Flo'Rida. While zoning to articles about Scooby Doo and drug busts in Tennessee (YEA-UH!), Flo'Rida somehow managed to convince Svekda and Madison to accompany her to a variety show/concert her sort-of boyfriend was performing in with his band. After deciding when exactly to leave, the three decided to engage in a round of beer pong before leaving. Madison, tasked with the job of playing for both teams, was having a bomb-ass-mother-fucking night. In one game, Madison made NOT ONE, but TWO behind the back shots. TWO. Praise be to the Gods above.
Meanwhile, Luise is still canvasing.
They decided to take a cab to the variety show/concert so they could finish the beer pong game. And smoke a 'lil more. The three are pretty trashed when they finally arrive. Good times were had. Howver, as they enjoyed the progresssion of the theatrical and musical events, one question remained: How would they get from their current location back to Madison's house to get the beer and then all the way to Luise's? A quick call to Jack solved the problem. Except for the part where they didn't really know where they were and accidentally sent him downtown before realizing that the address they gave him was wrong. Oops. He found them eventually, however, and after a short drive back to Madison's house to get the beer, they were at Luise's, who somewhere between her canvasing and getting home had found enough time to get drunk as fuck.
Yes, since getting home at 10:30, Luise had broken her in Guiness cup, did her dishes and took shots. A lot of them. Victoria had also made her way to the party, as had a large sum of men from the The Institute of Technicalness. Their names: Gypsy, Russia, Mr. X, and Phelps Luck. After a few games of Shit Your Pants, the table turned... literally. It turned into beer pong. Some real janky beer pong.
Meanwhile, Luise is still canvasing... oh wait...
The party progressed. A lot of smoking and drinking was done. Flo'Rida, under the lure of Phelps Luck, was persuaded to play many, many games of beer pong. Too many. That Couple showed up at one point. The night went on... and on... and on... and on... Eventually, Flo'Rida vanished... to the bathroom. And was not seen again by anyone except Madison for a good three hours. The party cleared out eventually, Phelps Luck surely disappointed that his love had chosen the toilet over his dick. Sometimes, Phelps, these choices are not our own, but guided by a higher power. Remember that next time.
As Flo'Rida clung to the can, Svedka, Luise, Jack and Madison entertained themselves by smoking a spliff left by 1/2 of That Couple and by cooking themselves some tasty treats. Like mashed potatoes, cake and scrambled eggs. Eventually, Madison managed to get Flo'Rida off the bathroom floor and onto Luise's couch. Svekda crashed in the big round chair and Madison in the arm chair. Luise and Jack retreated to her room.
Meanwhile, Luise is sti--
8am. All members of the house wake up, if only for brief moments. Madison and a now sort-of coherent Flo'Rida prepare to take a cab home. Svekda and Luise fall back asleep. Flo'Rida, probably still drunk, vomits once again on the side of Luise's building. And in the McDonald's drive through. Finally, the two are home and in their beds and not vomiting.
Luise, back at her own house, was awoken for good at 11am by her upstairs neighbors having very loud and repetitive sex. At noon, all were roused, a wake and bake was had, and Svedka and Luise cleaned the house. They were, of course, late to see the show they were going to at 2pm. After running some errands, it was time to see their next theatrical event of the eve. Once again racing against the clock, they sped to the theatre. Madison, having slept all day from taking care of Flo'Rida all night, was also rushing to get there. Blazed as all hell, the three finally settled into their seats to enjoy the show. And enjoy it they did.
The production ended. The three headed back to Svedka's place so she could shower before they endeavored to the party they'd decided to attend. Svedka, however, decided she was too tired to go out and despite Luise and Madison's constant shouting of minute increments at her, she stayed in. Luise and Madison fled the scene and met up with a bunch of girls with whom they would go to the party. Though it started out small and sober, the keg lended itself well to them that night. And by the end of the night, it was gone.
Around 2am or so, most were ready to go. After a few confusing debacles, Madison took off to the West to head home. As she walked, she got a text message from Luise telling her she was coming with her. Thus, the two went back to Madison's place, smoked the first of the free green and slept.
Around 12:30, Luise woke Madison up when she retrieved her lighter from her room. They bid one another farewell, and headed off on their seperate journeys; Luise to her house and Madison back to sleep. When she finally woke up, she texted Svedka to find her whereabouts. Turns out, Svedka was on her way to Luise's to gather her groceries she had left there. Madison told Svekda to make a pit stop to her place to the two could indulge and then head to Luise's together. After a series of buses and some foot-longs, including a run-in with some high school friends of Svekda, they were at Luise's once again.
Another round of Shit in Your Pants, talk of learning to count cards, a few Michael Phelps jokes and beers by 5:45pm, we find ourselves here. Always here. And that was the neverending weekend.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
london calling
Luise and Svedka, after buying a pack of cigarettes and a little green, realized that neither of them had a lighter. (Luise's lighter had been commandeered by Jack.) Luise had one box of half filled matches to last them for their evening of festivities. Despite their best attempts for preservation, the matches slowly disappeared and the last one was used for kicking the bowl and also lighting a cigarette. Then they realized that they would be forced to chain smoke because they're only source of fire was the already lit cigarette. If only cigarettes could light weed. Then we'd be in business.
Chain Smoking Commenced.
Chain Smoking Commenced.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
So Much Better Remix.... Sorry...
There are things that need to be said. They are, to my recollection, the following:
1) Human Trafficking. This is when you are waiting under the Dan Ryan Expressway in a car outside a restaurant predominately occupied by police. You are in the Southside of Chicago. You are waiting to make a drop-off... a human drop-off. You wait inside your car for the other party to arrive. When their car arrives, you grab one of your companions and gag them and forcibly shove them into the next car. It is helpful if they kick and scream all the while. You might shout at them loudly and cuss a little bit for effect. The police will then come over and ask what the situation is. The scene will go as follows:
COP: Say here! What's going on over here?
YOU: Nothing, Officer. We're just dropping our friend off. Her friend is picking her up so she can get her laundry.
COP: She was kicking and screaming!
YOU: Oh... that's just what we always do. You've never heard of a Chinese Fire Drill?
COP: What! Now, listen here. That's not a Chinese Fire Drill!
YOU: It's not?!
COP: Well, no! That's when you... well, you pull up to a... to a red light or something and you... you get out of the car and everyone trades places. But you're in the same car! That's the key here! It's the same car!
YOU: Well gosh.... if that's a Chinese Fire Drill, then what are we going to call this thing that we're doing?!
COP: That's called Human Trafficking, you dumbasses!
YOU: Human Trafficking! Perfect! Thank you, Officer!
And that's how the cookie crumbles.
We also ate slabs of beef tonight. Literal slabs. They were covered in marinara... not marijuana. We did not go to St. Louis.
Also, if you receive a number from Michigan that you don't recognize and they keep calling back... even though it's sketchy, you should probably answer it because you could come home to later find out that it's your roommate who you locked out when you took off for the South Side because she was doing her laundry. As if she wasn't already angry about the dishes.... Anyway, it all comes full circle. All of it. And when it dongs on you, it dongs hard.
The end.
1) Human Trafficking. This is when you are waiting under the Dan Ryan Expressway in a car outside a restaurant predominately occupied by police. You are in the Southside of Chicago. You are waiting to make a drop-off... a human drop-off. You wait inside your car for the other party to arrive. When their car arrives, you grab one of your companions and gag them and forcibly shove them into the next car. It is helpful if they kick and scream all the while. You might shout at them loudly and cuss a little bit for effect. The police will then come over and ask what the situation is. The scene will go as follows:
COP: Say here! What's going on over here?
YOU: Nothing, Officer. We're just dropping our friend off. Her friend is picking her up so she can get her laundry.
COP: She was kicking and screaming!
YOU: Oh... that's just what we always do. You've never heard of a Chinese Fire Drill?
COP: What! Now, listen here. That's not a Chinese Fire Drill!
YOU: It's not?!
COP: Well, no! That's when you... well, you pull up to a... to a red light or something and you... you get out of the car and everyone trades places. But you're in the same car! That's the key here! It's the same car!
YOU: Well gosh.... if that's a Chinese Fire Drill, then what are we going to call this thing that we're doing?!
COP: That's called Human Trafficking, you dumbasses!
YOU: Human Trafficking! Perfect! Thank you, Officer!
And that's how the cookie crumbles.
We also ate slabs of beef tonight. Literal slabs. They were covered in marinara... not marijuana. We did not go to St. Louis.
Also, if you receive a number from Michigan that you don't recognize and they keep calling back... even though it's sketchy, you should probably answer it because you could come home to later find out that it's your roommate who you locked out when you took off for the South Side because she was doing her laundry. As if she wasn't already angry about the dishes.... Anyway, it all comes full circle. All of it. And when it dongs on you, it dongs hard.
The end.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Circus/New Slang/Creator
Okay so this is what I wanted to say before when I couldn't figure out how to get back into this bathroom blog. So okay. Rollergirl is dead. And there is now a new member of the family and all must meet immediately.
Let's all talk details.
Moving on.
I love THIS mission statement, said Svedka. So we decided that WE need a mission statement. WE, the bathroom blog of your future. So.
The Bathroom Blog of Your Future, hereafter known as the BBloG, aims to enlighten (slash enDlightened) and entertain the troubled and exhausted souls of our black-lunged bretheren, as well as embrace a culture and lifestyle based on choice, the choice to have an abortion, mainly. Or to not. Whatever YOU wanna do. Futhermore, the BBloG hopes to send you into your years forward with a smile, a song and a warm feeling in your throat.
So now we have a mission statement. And that's that, bitches. BITCHES...
This was brought to you by Victoria, Svedka, Madison Wisconsin and Bianca... well, Bianca was here anyway.
Let's all talk details.
Moving on.
I love THIS mission statement, said Svedka. So we decided that WE need a mission statement. WE, the bathroom blog of your future. So.
The Bathroom Blog of Your Future, hereafter known as the BBloG, aims to enlighten (slash enDlightened) and entertain the troubled and exhausted souls of our black-lunged bretheren, as well as embrace a culture and lifestyle based on choice, the choice to have an abortion, mainly. Or to not. Whatever YOU wanna do. Futhermore, the BBloG hopes to send you into your years forward with a smile, a song and a warm feeling in your throat.
So now we have a mission statement. And that's that, bitches. BITCHES...
This was brought to you by Victoria, Svedka, Madison Wisconsin and Bianca... well, Bianca was here anyway.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Piazza, New York Catcher
I discovered the time-space relation during Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and it is so good. It's a big loop man. A big loop. But where did it start and where will it end? Time is infinite. It happens once through and is repeated forever and forever. Each second is it's own forever across a million universes but its all chosen and we can't change anything, or else it wouldn't work out.
How do Bill and Ted come back to meet each other? How did they get their friends to escape jail? It had to go bad once, but their ability to time travel made them fix it, so it must have always happened that way. WHERE DID IT START? What is time, man?
How do Bill and Ted come back to meet each other? How did they get their friends to escape jail? It had to go bad once, but their ability to time travel made them fix it, so it must have always happened that way. WHERE DID IT START? What is time, man?
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Love & Communication
This is the best holiday.
5pm: Madison Wisconsin and Bianca decide to round off 2008 by eating at the bar below Bianca's apartment for the first time. Buffalo wings are ordered. This is not the last time they will be seen tonight.
9pm: The two depart to Target to use giftcard Christmas present from Mom on booze.
9:15pm: Target demands IDs from all persons in party. Booze is denied.
9:30pm: Jewel Osco. Only bottle of Absolut 100 is found. Goldschlager is deemed 'good idea.'
10:40pm: Madison forgets that the purchased Absolut is 100 proof and decides to do three shots. Goldschlager's ability to cut holes in throats is enjoyed.
10:50pm: Leave apartment. See that 32 year old neighbor's lights are on. Bang on door. Demand entrance. Enter. All parties are wasted. Run away.
11:20pm: Arrive at Warehouse. Impress everyone with Goldschlager and make them do shots.
11:56pm: "I really can't do another one seriously I'll die I can't!!" "COME ON, one more before midnight!!"
11:57pm: Madison pukes into convienently found cup as Bianca watches shamefully.
11:58pm: Bianca takes Madison to the bathroom. The buffalo wings make a second appearance.
11:59pm: Madison declares that she feels better and can now drink more.
12am: Midnight. Loudspeaker. There is jumping and dancing. Madison gets off on kissing unsuspecting people who are unaware that she has just vomited. Heh heh heh.
12:10am: Drunk girl confettis the dance crowd. Though in this context, 'confettis' really means 'drunkenly throws shards of golden foil into people's faces.
12:12: Madison and Bianca immediately leave for some reason.
12:30am: The two arrive at the next location. They see that Token Slut has brought with her 10 army boys from the burbs
12:30-2am: ??? Pineapple shots, more Goldschlager, a girl with aqua eyeliner talks about feminism. Peacebone by Animal Collective, LOVE that song. Was there grinding?
2:10am: Must go to Riley's party. This could be good or bad.
2:20am: Get there. Door is locked. Damnhellfuck. Get out phone to call inside parties when random Blonde girl with Edgy haircut opens the door and says, "Why are you so angry?" LISTEN, bitch. I'm not angry. Go inside.
2:22am: Find Riley with girl who thinks she got roofied. Riley is floored, Roofie girl is abandoned.
The next two hours are incredible.
>Redbull. Jim Beam.
>Dance floor. It starts out innocently, then that ludacris Ludacris comes on and Ethnic boy ethnically grinds on sacred girl parts.
>Thought $20 bill in bra went missing... find it on kitchen floor an hour later.
>Meet man in Orioles hat, discover fellow Baltimore friend.
>Sit on couch. Converse.
>Baltimore friend decides to provide a neck massage. Baltimore friend is a friend no longer.
>Ethnic boy tells Riley he wants to "fuck her, but be friends first so it's cool." This will not happen.
>All are amazed by my drunken singing and harmony.
>A blunt makes its way around the kitchen. Talents are rewarded.
>Am enlightened by the benefits of a fuck buddy... Still deemed too complicated.
>Meet Mr. Appreciative. So appreciative and so cute. Decide his appreciative ways would make him a good boyfriend.
>Wind up on bathroom floor with Riley. Ethnic boy keeps tryna cop feels. Who decided that drunken massages were sexy?
>Riley demands that Victoria is called. Though the two have not spoken in months, the conversation is good. Victoria is confused and presumably still wasted.
>Need to go. Have to get to the suburbs for wedding.
"I know you don't want to leave, but you have to. That's how I felt when I had to leave you the other night." Hmm.
40 minute ride to the suburbs. It's about 4:30am at this point.
Arrive to Mama Bianca's house shortly after 5. A bowl to calm down. Sleep. Wedding at 2pm. Lovely.
Have been sexdreaming all day. Not about Riley, but about Mr. Appreciative.Want. NEED.
Yes 2009?
5pm: Madison Wisconsin and Bianca decide to round off 2008 by eating at the bar below Bianca's apartment for the first time. Buffalo wings are ordered. This is not the last time they will be seen tonight.
9pm: The two depart to Target to use giftcard Christmas present from Mom on booze.
9:15pm: Target demands IDs from all persons in party. Booze is denied.
9:30pm: Jewel Osco. Only bottle of Absolut 100 is found. Goldschlager is deemed 'good idea.'
10:40pm: Madison forgets that the purchased Absolut is 100 proof and decides to do three shots. Goldschlager's ability to cut holes in throats is enjoyed.
10:50pm: Leave apartment. See that 32 year old neighbor's lights are on. Bang on door. Demand entrance. Enter. All parties are wasted. Run away.
11:20pm: Arrive at Warehouse. Impress everyone with Goldschlager and make them do shots.
11:56pm: "I really can't do another one seriously I'll die I can't!!" "COME ON, one more before midnight!!"
11:57pm: Madison pukes into convienently found cup as Bianca watches shamefully.
11:58pm: Bianca takes Madison to the bathroom. The buffalo wings make a second appearance.
11:59pm: Madison declares that she feels better and can now drink more.
12am: Midnight. Loudspeaker. There is jumping and dancing. Madison gets off on kissing unsuspecting people who are unaware that she has just vomited. Heh heh heh.
12:10am: Drunk girl confettis the dance crowd. Though in this context, 'confettis' really means 'drunkenly throws shards of golden foil into people's faces.
12:12: Madison and Bianca immediately leave for some reason.
12:30am: The two arrive at the next location. They see that Token Slut has brought with her 10 army boys from the burbs
12:30-2am: ??? Pineapple shots, more Goldschlager, a girl with aqua eyeliner talks about feminism. Peacebone by Animal Collective, LOVE that song. Was there grinding?
2:10am: Must go to Riley's party. This could be good or bad.
2:20am: Get there. Door is locked. Damnhellfuck. Get out phone to call inside parties when random Blonde girl with Edgy haircut opens the door and says, "Why are you so angry?" LISTEN, bitch. I'm not angry. Go inside.
2:22am: Find Riley with girl who thinks she got roofied. Riley is floored, Roofie girl is abandoned.
The next two hours are incredible.
>Redbull. Jim Beam.
>Dance floor. It starts out innocently, then that ludacris Ludacris comes on and Ethnic boy ethnically grinds on sacred girl parts.
>Thought $20 bill in bra went missing... find it on kitchen floor an hour later.
>Meet man in Orioles hat, discover fellow Baltimore friend.
>Sit on couch. Converse.
>Baltimore friend decides to provide a neck massage. Baltimore friend is a friend no longer.
>Ethnic boy tells Riley he wants to "fuck her, but be friends first so it's cool." This will not happen.
>All are amazed by my drunken singing and harmony.
>A blunt makes its way around the kitchen. Talents are rewarded.
>Am enlightened by the benefits of a fuck buddy... Still deemed too complicated.
>Meet Mr. Appreciative. So appreciative and so cute. Decide his appreciative ways would make him a good boyfriend.
>Wind up on bathroom floor with Riley. Ethnic boy keeps tryna cop feels. Who decided that drunken massages were sexy?
>Riley demands that Victoria is called. Though the two have not spoken in months, the conversation is good. Victoria is confused and presumably still wasted.
>Need to go. Have to get to the suburbs for wedding.
"I know you don't want to leave, but you have to. That's how I felt when I had to leave you the other night." Hmm.
40 minute ride to the suburbs. It's about 4:30am at this point.
Arrive to Mama Bianca's house shortly after 5. A bowl to calm down. Sleep. Wedding at 2pm. Lovely.
Have been sexdreaming all day. Not about Riley, but about Mr. Appreciative.
Yes 2009?
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